Rihanna is the most important millennial of our time. The Rihanna Rihport is where we breathlessly chronicle the magnitude of her lived existence.
RIHANNA, JULY 2In the United States, citizens are celebrating Independence Day weekend, a date which commemorates the signing of the Declaration of Independence and the liberation of Americans from the British, as well as the release from oppression and the DROP DATE for the NEW RIHANNA VIDEO, YALL!
AHHHHHHHH! Ever since Thomas Jefferson told us about the imminence of #R8 and a messiah who would one day come to embody the American dream more flawlessly than even he could imagine, treasure hunters and truthseekers have made it the work of their lives to discover the saviors identity; both Nicholas Cage and the author of The DaVinci Code are among those who have spent countless resources to reveal this precious glory.
But for the last 239 years, it has been a fruitless effort, because the entire time, RIHANNA was RIGHT IN FRONT OF US! Maybe people didnt understand, because she is Bajan and a woman and these efforts are always a little bit tinged by a colonial Judeo-Christian ideal that the savior will be white and male and born in the US, but it is just so obvious that Rihzus is the embodiment of perfection and a TRUE American savior and REVOLUTIONARY, just like our founding fathers, because just LOOK at the way she kidnaps a rich monarch-style person in this video and redistributes the money to her homegirls from the BLOCK! If that is not a personification of all the ideals this nation was founded upon, I dont know what is! Actually, you know what, f**k the half-hearted voting were all gonna do in 2016, Rihanna for PRESIDENT! Now THATs a candidate I can GET behind!
NAVY! Lets talk about what is going on in this b***h Better Have My Money video, aka the greatest thing to happen this year, am I not wrong?!
First, Rihzus Christ aka our Lord and SAVIOR takes the rich white woman on the ride of her life, definitely the most fun shes had in ages, which is going on a ROAD TRIP with Rihzus and her cool friends! We should all be so lucky! And they are nice kidnappers because after they shake the lady down for info they take her on a YACHT trip, which would have been fun except the hostage woman is corny and gets seasick which clearly BORES Rihanna for obvious reasons. Someone should have told that lady about SEA BANDS, Amirite?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Also, Rihanna wears black and white penny loafers with a clear tongue and lucite heels and they are the shoe equivalent of preppy French diamonds, just like the only things that should EVER grace Rihzuss precious feet! AHHHHH!
At first the hostage is acting weird but then when she ends up at a slumber party in a Motel 6 she is just SO happy to have a good time with these fun women! They do her hair and put on her lipstick and share with her their bong! Its repudiation of exclusionary white-womaning and also a repudiation of the television show Hannibal by using Dexter tactics to slaughter the guy who plays Hannibal and IT IS EV-E-R-Y-THINNGGG!!!
Also, this week, Rihzus got a dog!
Rihanna went to the club and found a dog in the bathroom and took it home LMAOOO pic.twitter.com/rxqQ9sulu0
June 28, 2015Source: http://themuse.jezebel.com/rihanna-rihport-making-rihzus-money-edition-1714763987
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